The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
