Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
