as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
