I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
