What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
