I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
