Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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