This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
