not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
