omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
