Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
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