True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
