My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
