i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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