I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Damn victory sex feels great
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