I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
