Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
