Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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