She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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