I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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