Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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