two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The Olympian is in my bed
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
