Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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