I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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