I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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