now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
