i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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