I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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