I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
