the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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