I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
