dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
