I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
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