i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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