My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
