There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
