he puts the penis in happiness.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize