you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Randomize