Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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