tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
