I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
