i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize