Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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