I wish they made helmets for livers.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
