I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize