I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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