I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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