Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
