i just had sex bonerless
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
