God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
