Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
