Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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