when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
