Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
