i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
