Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
