There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
