i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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