Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i think my cat just said my name.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize