im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
