someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize